it's a feeling i never wanted to have again the stomach
clenched intestines in knots it’s the acid buildup in
the back of my throat it’s a night of missed meds i
didn't even realise would do this to me it's when life
begins again turns out the stagnation was keeping
the tides at bay now suddenly i'm 17 again i’m 21 again
the flip switches and suddenly i'm a mess again but
this time i can't even write to help i pause between
lines the n key broken requiring a slower thought stance
nothing is vomiting out nothing is clawing its way out
of my mouth it's not a run on thought its a single iteration
‘i don't want this feeling’ i just want the cause or
not the cause but the life without the feeling
i don't want to only be my disorders i want control
i want balance i’m choosing health and recovery
for the first time in any of my pieces i’m desperately
avoiding the break the snapping there's
no self medication to send me back into that place
only doctor approved prescribed chemicals that
help me stay functional a fist full every morning
trying to survive i'm fighting my very nature
fighting my unmedicated self when suddenly
my life has reversed the tower falling as the people
walk on air i made the decision to not be scared
this time and this is what i need, what i need to
hold onto just not as tight as i have before
let things work naturally you're in a better place now
it's been 5778 then 5779 the 5780 and suddenly 5782
is barreling towards me all those years of stagnation
of fear of misunderstanding and avoidance but
not this time the world stopped and even then
everyone coped better than you ever could have
look what you can achieve when you exist in the
world again look at what you have to lose
look at the life you could have if the cards are real
and mysticism has any reliability
look look look look look the next potential
in the timeline you're no longer on that sofa in that
place that room that borough you waited 4 years and
never went back to that mirror look at yourself now
swallow down the acid reaching up your throat
fight it off with weapons and steel chairs before
it gets to your brain you have the power this time you
aren’t a lake or a shorefront you aren't the mist or
whatever other metaphors you used when you wrote
every day to try and understand the complexities of
your own existence you understand them now
you're on the other side of addiction you're
good for someone, finally, hopefully, maybe,
i guess we’ll find out in the next series
