- YOU FEEL ASHAMED FOR BUYING IT. YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEY’LL BE UPSET ON YOUR BEHALF— AND RIGHTFULLY SO. THEY’LL BE UNSYMPATHETIC.
- YOU GET SAD.
- THEN ANGRY.
- YOU GRIEVE WHO YOU WERE AND WHO YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE.
- YOU BUY A BOOK ON GRIEF AND CONTEMPLATE THROWING IT: THE GIFT, THE BOOK, YOURSELF INTO THE FIRE.
- YOU JUSTIFY THE THOUGHT OF KEEPING THE GIFT.
- YOU FEEL SAD AGAIN.
- THEN YOU FEEL SICK.
- YOU CALL YOURSELF STUPID. IT’S NOT “BEING NICE”: IT’S SELF-DESTRUCTION.
- YOU GET ANGRY AT THE THOUGHT OF SOMEONE DOING THIS TO A LOVED ONE— OF A LOVED ONE IN THIS PREDICAMENT.
- YOU GET ANGRY AT IT FOR HAPPENING AND FOR ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN TO YOU.
- YOU GET ANGRY AT YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT MINDSET IS INHERENTLY FLAWED.
- YOU THINK OF GIVING IT TO SOMEONE ELSE OR OF KEEPING IT FOR YOURSELF BUT FEEL A LURCH IN YOUR STOMACH AND TIGHTNESS IN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT AT THE THOUGHT OF BEING REMINDED OF THEM EVERY TIME YOU SEE IT. YOU KNOW WHY YOU BOUGHT IT.
- YOUR THOUGHTS ARE INTERRUPTED BY AN INNOCUOUS QUESTION POSED BY A FAMILY MEMBER WHO COMES INTO YOUR ROOM AND SHOWS YOU A PICTURE OF A CUTE CAT.
- (THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU.)
- YOU GRIEVE SOME MORE. HAVE YOU EVER STOPPED GRIEVING?
- YOU REALIZE YOU BOUGHT THE GIFT UNDER THE GUISE OF NORMALCY: RESTORING THE PEACE.
- YOU COPE.
- YOU’RE NOT COPING RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK.
- YOUR PSYCHIATRIST ASKS YOU, “DO YOU BLAME YOURSELF?” AND YOU NOD.
- THEY ASK SCREENING QUESTIONS FOR PTSD. YOU HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE NIGHTMARES. YOU CAN’T REMEMBER YOUR DREAMS. YOU THINK THIS DISQUALIFIES YOU.
- YOU AREN’T SURE IF YOU’RE RELIEVED BY THAT.
- YOU TALK ABOUT IT ONLINE AND A PERSON SAYS TO GIFT IT TO SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU, “DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT DO THAT,” IN RESPONSE TO YOUR THOUGHT OF GIFTING IT TO THEM AND, “IT’S NOT A HORRIBLE TERRIBLE MOMENT OF ASTRONOMICAL HORROR AND YOU SHOULDN’T TREAT IT THAT WAY. ”
- YOU WONDER IF ANYONE WILL EVER GET IT. YOU WONDER IF YOU’RE FUCKED UP MORE THAN YOU REALIZE FOR FEELING THIS WAY.
- YOU WRITE ABOUT IT.
