He breaks my heart
Daily
With his big beautiful smile that lights up my world
With his sparkling eyes that I want to drown in
With his laugh that makes me gasp for breath 
With his embrace that I wish I could hide in forever

He breaks my heart
And I hate it
I hate that I may never known the feel of his lips on mine
I hate that I may never know what's it's like to have him as my rock to lean on
My partner in crime
My partner in life

I hate that we can only live the way I want
in my imagination

I hate that for just a while I thought that maybe just maybe
there was a chance that those imaginings could be reality

and I hate that I still don't know
I don't know if he feels the same or if he ever did
I don't know if he wanted any of those things or if he still does
I don't know if he loves me
I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!
And why?
Because he won't tell me

oh but he knows
He knows how much my heart swells at the sight of him
He knows how much I adore his presence 
He knows how much I sacrifice to spend more and more time with him whenever I can
He knows, but I don't

"Why does it hurt so much?" I've often found myself asking
Why does it hurt so much?
Because he was the boy who made me feel safe in my body again
He's the boy who made me feel proud to be unapologetically myself
He's the boy who reminded me that not all men are monsters
And I can't even get an answer from him