i used to wonder if i would live to taste my first kiss
if it would be nice and chewy
or chaotic
like the screams from the city
when there’s haze
with everything looking grey
i wanted to melt in it
i wanted it to be bright
as bright as the colors where i can swim and then fall asleep in
i wanted expressionism and orange screaming at me
telling me things were going to be okay
they wouldn’t break my heart
and i’ll continue smiling
as there’s a lot to smile at
i wanted it to be fresh,
like water that flows fast through a stream
carrying my pain where no one can see it
and no one can be hurt by it
i wondered if it would make me twinkle
like the shiny bright lights
from the very tall buildings
that remind me i’m not alone
on dark indigo nights
i wondered if anyone would ever love me
if it would feel like sunlight
coming through my window in the morning
when i’m trying to sleep until late
or if it would be bright
intense red bright pink
warm and fuzzy
so much it would make my skin golden
i wanted my life to look like the paintings i saw in museums
those moments frozen in time
not sure if happy but at least special
i was very scared i wouldn’t be able to write about happy things
because i like to think there’s more inside me
than pain
now i wonder if i’ll live long enough to have kids
if i’ll live to see my kids have kids
if they do I’m going to tell them how it is
i’ll tell them about the birds and the trees and a thing called love
they must fall in love with everything, like I did
there’s a lot to fall in love with
