i realize it’s really happening
and in a split second
fear drops into my stomach
i brace myself
no matter how hard i try
i am never prepared
i am always surprised

caught off guard by how deep
they carelessly sit within me
leeches in my throat
that weren’t there before
squirming when i breathe
i feel everything
trying to focus on anything else
every time i try to calm down
more crawl out of my mouth

i close my eyes so at least i don’t see them
but i still taste the blood in my spit
their slime coats my lungs
and when i scream they twist
i dream of solid ground 
the future and past no longer exist
minutes go by slower than i can count
slitting my wrists
would be more comfortable than this
i imagine the highway
rapidly peeling off my skin
because these fantasies of escape
are my only weapon