If I could remember anything

I would remember your hands

delicately applying bright red to your lips

your young skin bouncing back

in a dance with the paint stick

your eyes watching me watch you

telling me to wait

believing you will be more beautiful

in “just a minute!”

If I could remember anything 

I would remember your laugh

Thick in the thin air

of all the wrong places

bellowing and warm

against the frigid winds

mocking anyone who knows better

making me squirm in my serious shoes

reminding me to breath into my belly

If I could remember anything 

I would remember your hair

wild and free and brushing my face

smelling like raspberry

making me love you

If I could remember anything

I would remember your touch

phantom in its absence 

burning in its presence

making me need you

knowing I shouldn’t 

If I could remember anything 

I would remember the fear

which held me when you didn’t 

and sometimes when you did 

which I began to say I loved 

instead of you 

because “I saw that look!”

If I could remember anything 

I would remember the space 

growing between us

as my brain began to sag and wilt

you, understanding that I am unworthy 

me, understanding

wish I could go too

if I could forget anything 

I would forget your eyes

the love draining from them

despite my desperate pleas

the sunshine we kept on tap

transferring to dread 

filling up my feet, planting me

my heart bracing for impact

my soul taking one last breath

before the high tide came

and went

and you went with it