I Hope You Remember, I Want to Forget

If I could remember anything
I would remember your hands
delicately applying bright red to your lips
your young skin bouncing back
in a dance with the paint stick
your eyes watching me watch you
telling me to wait
believing you will be more beautiful
in “just a minute!”

If I could remember anything 
I would remember your laugh
Thick in the thin air
of all the wrong places
bellowing and warm
against the frigid winds
mocking anyone who knows better
making me squirm in my serious shoes
reminding me to breath into my belly

If I could remember anything 
I would remember your hair
wild and free and brushing my face
smelling like raspberry
making me love you

If I could remember anything
I would remember your touch
phantom in its absence 
burning in its presence
making me need you
knowing I shouldn’t 

If I could remember anything 
I would remember the fear
which held me when you didn’t 
and sometimes when you did 
which I began to say I loved 
instead of you 
because “I saw that look!”

If I could remember anything 
I would remember the space 
growing between us
as my brain began to sag and wilt
you, understanding that I am unworthy 
me, understanding
wish I could go too

if I could forget anything 
I would forget your eyes
the love draining from them
despite my desperate pleas
the sunshine we kept on tap
transferring to dread 
filling up my feet, planting me
my heart bracing for impact
my soul taking one last breath
before the high tide came
and went

and you went with it


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