These are the things I wanted to tell you- the words I choked on when you said it wasn’t working anymore and all I could do was smile. 
I wanted to tell you that I hope the world treats you kindly and the stars smile softer when you cannot sleep. I hope your dreams overcome your frustrations and the swirling thoughts spill out of your skull in a way that doesn’t hurt so badly. 
I am selfish but I miss being the one holding you, for when I held you I knew that I held an exquisite being  in my arms. I knew that I held the person who would someday change the world.
You remember, surely, right at the start, when you asked me what I was thinking about and I whispered that I didn’t want to mess this up. 
       it’s all messed up now. 
             I’m all messed up.