“It’s cars and cans left!” yells a man on my phone. “Mug going crazy, Jeep going backwards . . . Bugatti in the front with 7 UP . . .” The race is halfway through. Tins clink and tiny wheels screech in a four-way battle for global adoration. We’ve already had a shocker. Barely two seconds in, every Tape contender was knocked and flattened, leaving the contest like they couldn’t wait to be back in the locker room. Pokeball flopped too, hopping off the track. Rocket League Ball fared better, menacing the center, large enough to fear but no match for Jeep’s plastic bumper. “Jeep going wild again!” our announcer screams. “Bugatti with the strong lead . . . 7 UP falling back . . . Mug falling back . . .”
I want Bugatti to fail. It seems disgusting that super cars can dominate a life in miniature as well as the dreams and wet dreams of the regular-sized universe when they might be bested by a sugar drink, a victory for humility and also, y’know, those of us who see cars as little more than fast people baskets. This time, though, convention prevails. 7UP and Jeep careen backwards, locked in a death spiral. The small blue car with a faultless hold on the rubber holds out. “Bugatti wins,” he says, with a note of sadness. Never mind. There will be other chances for miracles. Heroes may emerge. Silver Tape or Dragon Fruit.
