From being a child every piece of media I consumed, with love interests, always ended in a monogamous relationship; all the Disney Princess movies, Twilight and the array of rom-coms and dating shows are just the tips of the iceberg. I grew up viewing that love had to fit into this monogamous mould to be real love. As I grew up I felt guilty all the time for having feelings for people other than the partner I was with. But, because I felt the same way for multiple people, I convinced myself that I couldn't feel or be in love; it didn't fit the mould I was given, and I identified as aromantic (a person that feels little to no romantic attraction) for a few years.

In later childhood, high school and into college years, we were given classes for “sexual health”. Now there were a lot of things wrong with these classes, especially since I attended a Catholic school, however, I am going to focus on the fact that they were only giving information to monogamous, cisgender, heterosexual people. We didn’t learn anything about different relationship styles or how to safely and healthily participate in relationships. Everything I know about non-monogamy and inherently myself I have learned on my own with resources that have been put out by this amazing community. While I have learned a lot from the community around me, I have had to unlearn twice as much. For example the role of jealousy in a relationship. 

When you hear people talk about Non-monogamy you often hear the term PEN being thrown around. PEN stands for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy. I personally do not like this label for myself or the community as a whole as it is similar to the idea of consensual and non-consensual sex, rather than sex and rape, or breathing and non-breathing swimming, rather than swimming and drowning. It's either non-monogamy or cheating. Cheating does not fall under the non-monogamous label. Polyamory is a type of Non-Monogamy so I don’t feel it is always necessary to separate it into a separate category unless it is in terms of describing identity.

What is an Open Relationship?

Open relationships are relationships in which there is a mutual agreement that 1 or more partners can have romantic and/or sexual relationships with people who are external to their relationship.

Their opposite is a closed relationship, which is a relationship with a mutual agreement that no partner will have aunty romantic and/or sexual relationships with people who are external to their relationship.

What is a polyamorous relationship?

Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved.

There are misconceptions about polyamorous relationships everywhere and one of the biggest is that you don’t have to be polyamorous to date someone who is. Every monogamous/polyamorous person is different and will have their own boundaries when it comes to who they will and will not date but I have been on dates with a monogamous person who was perfectly fine with me dating and being in relationships with other people but did not want to do that himself.

Another big misconception is that all partners in a polycule have to date each other. The truth is you don’t have to date any of the people your partner does. Your partner’s partners are called your metamours.

What is the difference?

When I was first getting into the non-monogamous community I thought that non-monogamous relationships always had to be open and while I knew I had the capacity to love more than one person I didn’t understand where my capacity ended. 

But a polyamorous relationship can be open or closed because of the romantic saturation of the individuals involved. These people are often called Poly-Saturated as they are no longer looking for any new relationships. However just because you are romantically saturated does not mean that your partner(s) feel the same way, this means you can be poly-saturated and still be in an open relationship. 

What is Romantic Saturation?

In monogamous relationships, romantic saturation happens with 1 partner. You give all of your relationship energy and time to the one person you are with. In polyamory, that kind of goes out the window. 

Romantic saturation is reached when you have no more to give while still upholding responsibilities and looking after yourself. You have a full dating/relationship schedule without the logistical, physical, or emotional capacity to fit in any more relationships.

Some of the causes of romantic saturation are:

We have limited time in which we need to give to all relationships and still have some time leftover for ourselves and our responsibilities. When you are looking to start or are starting a new relationship you will already have some commitments such as a job, existing relationships, friendships, family, self-care, etc. This may reduce the number of partners you can comfortably have as there are only so many hours in a day and while you may have feelings for this new connection it may not be feasible to start a relationship with them.

Proximity:

Having long-distance partners can make physical meetings far and few. This may increase the number of partners you can comfortably have as you may have more time and energy to channel into and maintain relationships.

Your health and/or the health of a family member/friend that you help care for can affect your ability to expend energy on new partners and so reduce the number of partners you can comfortably have. This could be due to the time you need to rest or care for yourself/others.

Some partners require more of your time and energy than others which may limit the number of partners you can comfortably have. This also means that you may not be romantically saturated and have the capacity for another partner but it may not be that specific person. Their needs may push you into over-saturation.

You know you are getting close to being romantically saturated or you are romantically saturated if:

This is all circumstantial on what your life is like at the time and what you and your partners need which means it can fluctuate.

What is Jealousy?

Jealousy is an emotion that the majority of us feel in every aspect of our lives. We feel it when we feel we work harder than everyone else but still don't get what we wanted such as a grade in school or a promotion at work. What emotions are hiding under that? Do you feel your work goes unnoticed? unappreciated? You may feel jealous when your friends hang out without you. Do you feel left behind? Lonely? Forgotten? 

There are infinite situations in which you could experience jealousy however in our society the jealousy surrounding romantic relationships is seen as normal to “act on”. You wouldn't shout and throw verbal abuse at the person who scored higher on the test; your results are not their fault or problem. Society should start looking at romantic jealousy in a similar light for example you shouldn’t be shouting and throwing verbal abuse at a partner if somebody else likes them or is hitting on them; other people's emotions and actions are not your partner's fault or problem.

In the book Redefining our relationships: guidelines for responsible open relationships, they say “open relationships challenge us to confront our jealousy and possessiveness” which for the most part holds true (Wendy-O Matik, 2002), however, I have had non-monogamous partners that were very jealous, possessive and it sometimes felt like I wasn’t allowed to exist without them. I want this article to be as realistic as possible and to do that I have to show that non-monogamy does not erase these problems in the way that everyone thinks it will. You have to want to confront these behaviours and I don’t think everyone does. To confront these behaviours you have to trust your partner entirely that they love you and they will choose to love you every day. Remember that their connections with other people will not take away or invalidate their connection with you.

Matik goes on to say that “jealousy is an ugly beast” and that it is “threatening” (Wendy-O Matik, 2002). While I think that it can be scary to be on both sides of jealousy I don't think that it is something that people should be ashamed of because jealousy is also an emotion in your tool belt. The best way I have heard jealousy described was by my partner, who said “jealousy is a symptom.” Jealousy can warn you of mistreatment in a relationship. This doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship it could be platonic, like the example earlier, you may have felt jealous of your friends hanging out without you because they constantly make plans without you and your jealousy is highlighting the fact that you are feeling mistreated. You may have felt this way as a child if your sibling/cousin/etc was favoured over you.

Both of those examples lead me to my next point: jealousy can highlight a need that isn't being met. In the example with your friends maybe it isn’t mistreatment as such but jealousy is more of a desire to spend more quality time with your friends. The example of the child is difficult because I would still class this as mistreatment, myself, but as a child, you may not have the capacity to understand that you are being mistreated and so you may feel jealousy because you crave to be validated, appreciated and cared for the same as your sibling/cousin/etc. 

All in all, Jealousy can be messy and scary if you give in to it's whims. However, jealousy is also an amazing emotion that can help us communicate our needs to the people we care about.