Sometimes I think I'm missing something.
I get the kissing and the hand holding and the gift giving and ect ect. I see it in movies and tv shows, read it in books and fanfiction. I even hear about it from my friends! Talking about their boyfriends and girlfriends and partners, how they are good at kissing and what they did on the weekends and how they dream about their future wedding bla bla bla.
I mean I get it.
Love is great and showing someone you really care about how much you love them is always nice! You want to make them feel loved and special, like they are the only one in the world for them and only them and you'd do anything for them. Obviously most of the time that is shown through physical touch. Hugging and kissing and making out and tongue…(so much tongue why).
Or through pet names like girlfriend and boyfriend and babe, and sweetheart, or darling, or love of my life.
I for sure had my fair share of pet names and physical touch and it's great! I get the hype but I also don't. Like I don't think my fair share ever remotely resembles the example of "romance" or "love" I saw in Disney movies or romcoms or novels or comics. The physical touch was there, the kissing and hand holding, pet names were also used a bunch. "Baby" was used a bunch, common I'm sure. My partners were in love I'm sure and I…I thought so too. I was following the rules of every romcom, being funny and quirky, not trying to be obvious but also hinting at my crush, being the hard to get. I want to feel in love so much that the supposed butterflies just felt like bees just begging to escape. Hand holding felt like too much, "baby" felt disgusting, a kissing was…an out of body experience and not in the best way. I wanted to be in love just like in story books but whenever I had it it just feels…disgusting.
So romance is weird. I'm weird. People and crushes are weird.
Though sometimes they are unexpected.
Newton is a nice lad, very creative with beautiful art. That's what attracted me to them first. I wanted that art style and talking to them really just made me feel cool. However they are also kind and genuine and soothing and oh so calming. That was the second thing I liked. Being friends with Newton felt easy, like visiting a familiar park and just hanging out. But then they were also considerate. They are supportive, listened when I just need someone to talk to, always knowing what to say to make me feel better. They listen and seem to enjoy my rants about the craziest of things like whether I think liver is delicious(I don't) or why my favorite character is gay or stuff like that! Newton just gets it and if they don't they at least try to. They also have their own interests too, they like pirates and crows, know how to play guitar and a bit of bass, has the greatest necklaces and rings and bracelets, has a plush shark, loves Tigger the tiger, and learning German. They also have their flaws like liking black licorice, wearing fingerless gloves in the freezing cold, and having trouble opening up which is fair, they've been through a ton and still push through and try to help others which I admire everyday.
Newton's different from the other people I thought I loved.
Newton makes weeks more bearable.
Newton makes me feel good about myself.
Newton makes me feel happy.
Newton makes me feel loved.
And I think I love them. Like REALLY love them. But it's different this time. There aren't any bees disguised as butterflies in my stomach, nothing feels abnormal, nothing feels like I'm watching things from a 3rd person's point of view. However this doesn't feel platonic either. I've never felt this way with my friends let alone romantic partners. It's all positive with them.
It's tough sometimes though. I worry that I'm overreacting, that everything I do or say to them is too much. That even though they reply back and tell me that this is real it's all just a dream, that they don't feel the same way, not they way I do. Sometimes I think that I'm overreacting my overreaction and make everything worse. But my feelings are still the same.
With Newton I want to be in love. I want to be with them. I want to hold their hand, go on dates, visit museums or amusement parks, regular parks, the movies. I want hold them and tell them about my day and listen to them talk about theirs, I want to play board games with them or bake random stuff even though I suck at cooking. I want to kiss them on the cheeks and hands and forehead, and lips if they allow. I want to see the world with them, have fun with them and laugh with them and just be WITH them in every shape of the word. I love Newton as a best friend but I also love them as a lover. I love them as my everything.
Love is confusing, but loving them is probably the easiest thing in the world.
I get the kissing and the hand holding and the gift giving and ect ect. I see it in movies and tv shows, read it in books and fanfiction. I even hear about it from my friends! Talking about their boyfriends and girlfriends and partners, how they are good at kissing and what they did on the weekends and how they dream about their future wedding bla bla bla.
I mean I get it.
Love is great and showing someone you really care about how much you love them is always nice! You want to make them feel loved and special, like they are the only one in the world for them and only them and you'd do anything for them. Obviously most of the time that is shown through physical touch. Hugging and kissing and making out and tongue…(so much tongue why).
Or through pet names like girlfriend and boyfriend and babe, and sweetheart, or darling, or love of my life.
I for sure had my fair share of pet names and physical touch and it's great! I get the hype but I also don't. Like I don't think my fair share ever remotely resembles the example of "romance" or "love" I saw in Disney movies or romcoms or novels or comics. The physical touch was there, the kissing and hand holding, pet names were also used a bunch. "Baby" was used a bunch, common I'm sure. My partners were in love I'm sure and I…I thought so too. I was following the rules of every romcom, being funny and quirky, not trying to be obvious but also hinting at my crush, being the hard to get. I want to feel in love so much that the supposed butterflies just felt like bees just begging to escape. Hand holding felt like too much, "baby" felt disgusting, a kissing was…an out of body experience and not in the best way. I wanted to be in love just like in story books but whenever I had it it just feels…disgusting.
So romance is weird. I'm weird. People and crushes are weird.
Though sometimes they are unexpected.
Newton is a nice lad, very creative with beautiful art. That's what attracted me to them first. I wanted that art style and talking to them really just made me feel cool. However they are also kind and genuine and soothing and oh so calming. That was the second thing I liked. Being friends with Newton felt easy, like visiting a familiar park and just hanging out. But then they were also considerate. They are supportive, listened when I just need someone to talk to, always knowing what to say to make me feel better. They listen and seem to enjoy my rants about the craziest of things like whether I think liver is delicious(I don't) or why my favorite character is gay or stuff like that! Newton just gets it and if they don't they at least try to. They also have their own interests too, they like pirates and crows, know how to play guitar and a bit of bass, has the greatest necklaces and rings and bracelets, has a plush shark, loves Tigger the tiger, and learning German. They also have their flaws like liking black licorice, wearing fingerless gloves in the freezing cold, and having trouble opening up which is fair, they've been through a ton and still push through and try to help others which I admire everyday.
Newton's different from the other people I thought I loved.
Newton makes weeks more bearable.
Newton makes me feel good about myself.
Newton makes me feel happy.
Newton makes me feel loved.
And I think I love them. Like REALLY love them. But it's different this time. There aren't any bees disguised as butterflies in my stomach, nothing feels abnormal, nothing feels like I'm watching things from a 3rd person's point of view. However this doesn't feel platonic either. I've never felt this way with my friends let alone romantic partners. It's all positive with them.
It's tough sometimes though. I worry that I'm overreacting, that everything I do or say to them is too much. That even though they reply back and tell me that this is real it's all just a dream, that they don't feel the same way, not they way I do. Sometimes I think that I'm overreacting my overreaction and make everything worse. But my feelings are still the same.
With Newton I want to be in love. I want to be with them. I want to hold their hand, go on dates, visit museums or amusement parks, regular parks, the movies. I want hold them and tell them about my day and listen to them talk about theirs, I want to play board games with them or bake random stuff even though I suck at cooking. I want to kiss them on the cheeks and hands and forehead, and lips if they allow. I want to see the world with them, have fun with them and laugh with them and just be WITH them in every shape of the word. I love Newton as a best friend but I also love them as a lover. I love them as my everything.
Love is confusing, but loving them is probably the easiest thing in the world.
