“Self Portrait”

When I was thinking about making this piece, I originally wanted it to be a pretty realistic portrait of myself. I was thinking about how I was going to convey the sadness I felt during that time, in a tight portrait. When I sat to paint, I pulled out a mirror and started using burnt umber to lay down some big shapes. I was looking in the mirror, because obviously, a self portrait, and I started crying. Once the tears came, I think I said to myself  “ ok you can just paint, it does not  have to be prefect right now”.


I had Kendrick Lamar playing, and it was just me, him, and the sound of the brush hitting the canvas. Lots of emotion.  That is the thing about most of my work, it is all very emotional for me. Most of work starts with a heavy feeling that I cannot shake, or anxiety that I cannot calm down. Even my abstract work where paint is smeared on the canvas, comes from a place of deep emotion that I do not show often.


I guess with this painting, I wanted to discover and see how loose I could get and be free within myself, within this self portrait. The question that I wanted to answer was : How long could I go with the flow of this idea and release control of the outcome? … While trusting my abilities to create something I would be proud of.  Writing this out, opened my eyes to just how much I put my life into my art. I have been making a conscious effort to release control over my life. The same way I trusted myself to let go of the control of the outcome of that piece, is the same I release control of the experiences I have in this life. The same way I trusted my innate ability to create something great, is the same way I trust myself and the Universe/God to take care of me because I am in good favor regardless. 


This piece was very emotional for me and there was a lot of crying, and nights where I felt like “what the fuck? where am I taking this?” With each piece I paint, I discover parts of myself , and the facts that I have my temporary emotions, captured in history, makes me feel accomplished in my purpose, without anyone else’s validation.

strokesbytayj.com to see more work (I tried to insert link, it did not work for me.)
instagram.com/artbytayj
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