I think that most of us can agree that we are rooting for an equal society. I personally don’t feel that most men around me are clinging to their privilege or are scared of what they might lose if we put an end to the systemic oppression of womxn. Yet that is not enough. The fact that you think of yourself as a supporter of feminism might be the very thing that prevents you from questioning yourself further and taking a more active role in the issue.
Womxn’s oppression is pervasive. It is much bigger than the few acts that our society is quick to condemn, such as violent rape, but happy to ignore and even condone the rest of it. My status of WOMAN in this society has not only allowed me to be raped: It has done much more, and to be honest much worse, to the individual that I am.
There is so much that I have to fight off before I can even get to the things that are important to me. I don't want to be a woman. I want to be an artist, I want to be fun, I want to be happy. Yet I am before all of these things - a woman - and that comes with so much baggage. When white men look into a mirror they get to see a human being. They are unaware of their gender or race as it will not hold them back and alter every interaction that they will have that day. When I look into a mirror, I see a woman, and I am well aware of what that means for the rest of my day.
As I was writing this piece I watched many TED Talks on gender issues, feminism, the notion of masculinity and every time the audience was overwhelmingly, if not almost exclusively, female. Men need to take a more active role in these matters. Feminism and gender equality are not womxn's issues, they are men's responsibilities. Being a feminist ally is not the right way to look at it. Sitting on the sidelines watching womxn fight for equality and quietly approving is simply not impactful enough, you have to be a feminist leader. Today, womxn still do not have as much credibility as men do when it comes to talking about social or political issues, especially gender equality. We are ‘biased’, we are ‘angry’. The male perspective in our society is still viewed and valued as objective, and so we need your voice to amplify ours.
When we talk about the patriarchy in our close circles, we talk about it as if it is an issue separated from us. We recognize it, we think it sucks, but we can’t personally do anything about it. We think that it’s not up to us. We ignore that we are a part of the patriarchy and the patriarchy lives inside us all. There are no monsters. We need to stop separating the individuals from our society and from the system that we have created and continue to live in. There are no individual villains to point the finger at. We need to look at ourselves, our friends, our families, our fathers and everyone that makes it possible. We are not here to eliminate bad people, we are here to help people change. But in order to do that, there needs to be a moment where we look at ourselves and we examine and deconstruct our own enabling behaviours.
It is not an easy thing to do and it can be hard to identify as violence against womxn things that society has accepted, and even encouraged for centuries. Even for us women, nothing is clear cut. First of all, victims of gender violence don’t speak up. There are many reasons for that. The first one being that it is hard to understand and then admit that you have been assaulted. Also, society makes it really clear that if you’re going to make that claim you better be damn sure that it is what happened. This places a great deal of responsibility on the victim. This can make you want to protect your aggressor if it is someone that you know and are close to : He didn’t realise what he was doing and it could destroy him if you told him that he assaulted you. You also want to protect your parents, because it would kill them to know that this happened to you. But most of all, you want to protect yourself. You know that it would be much easier to tell yourself that it was all just a misunderstanding rather than acknowledge that you live in a world where this could happen to you and force you to carry the burden of the ‘victim’ label for the rest of your life.
For all these reasons it is much easier to remain silent.
There is also the uncertainty that suggests it might have been your fault. You may have been misleading, unclear about what you wanted, changed your mind too abruptly, too much of this or too much of that… And there’s also the way that womxn are treated when they do speak up; all of the questions. The ridiculous ones such as: What were you wearing? How much did you drink? Why did you not lock the door when you went to the bathroom? Did you not know he had a girlfriend? But also the ones you can’t answer: Why did you go in his room in the first place? Why didn’t you leave? Why didn’t you hit him? Why didn’t you bite it off? Why indeed?
Through the moments during which I realised that I was about to be assaulted, it felt as though many forces along with my whole education were working against me, preventing me from stopping what was happening. How am I to explain that to the people asking me questions when I can’t even explain it to myself?
And on top of all of that, less than 1 in 10 rape claims end up winning in court. Womxn who speak up about their aggressors have nothing to gain: Society makes that really clear and every womxn knows it.
We need to shift the responsibility of speaking up from the victim to the witness. Witnesses have as much responsibility in the matter. It is not “the victim’s problem”: It is a systemic and social problem that concerns us all. Again, the victim has nothing to gain from speaking up. The only reason why they would do so is to protect other people and ensure that the same thing doesn’t happen to anyone else. Therefore, why would it be more the victim's responsibility to denounce the assault than the ones who witnessed it?
But in order to witness it you must pay attention. You must train yourselves to notice and see the violences that our society does such a good job of hiding. You must also question where your initial reaction to a womxn’s claim of violence or discrimination comes from. That is not just for men; it goes for everyone.
You must sensitize yourselves to the stories. Go watch those Ted Talks, go read the #metoo testimonies. Read feminist blogs, follow activist’s pages on instagram, do your homework. It is all right there and accessible, there is no more excuse. Then, once you have familiarised yourself with womxn’s realities, start paying attention and train yourself to notice the signs and the behaviours. In the streets, in bars, at parties, in the tube, at work. Force yourself to be aware and witness it. Then speak up, because conversation is important. Stepping out of silence makes us a people. It makes us into an activist community that will eventually create a better society because we believe in our own ability to change.
Feminist womxn do not hate men. We hate what our current society makes men out to be. We also hate what it makes women out to be. But we can all be so much better than that. As feminist men, womxn and everyone, we will transcend those limitating boxes.
Listen, pay attention and speak up. Because your voice is powerful. Take initiative. Don’t wait for your girlfriend or your sister to make you watch that film or read that article. Take initiative, and ask questions around you. Become a part of the conversation, become an active part of change.
Become a feminist LEADER.
