Lost

I know I still have passion

But where the fuck is it?
Been searching for so long
I just ended up getting angry
Screaming internal words at phone screens
And who gives a shit if I forget imagery
Because it doesn’t matter where I was
But who I was in the moment
That used to inspire me
Pulling past trauma till I was on my knees 
Begging for my brain to stop repeating the images
I can’t describe because I’m afraid
Of them coming back to haunt me
That chair still sitting in my living room to this day 
The treadmill weary in the basement 
Who gives a shit about what time period
Because they all felt like yesterday 
With the anger inside still bubbling
I can never forget it 
Inspiring people from past pain
Inspiring me by mentally breaking on the daily 
Researching ways to stop ripping of the bandage 
Without thinking about it
Diving in head first
Swirling with fear
Swirling with pain
Swirling with anger
Until it all stops
And I wake up from my personal hell
Opening my eyes to find beaming lights
On stage, people surrounding
first book reading
Screaming in pain while white walls surround and masks
Giving birth to my baby
Accidentally dropping a shining silver spoon to look up 
And meet the love of my life eye to eye
Pack up all I’ve known and head on a dim plane 
To New York 
And do what I’ve been promising myself since I was thirteen
Leaving it all behind
And when I’m ready
Picking it back up in a better life
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