Quarantine forced me to confront all of my unprocessed emotional wounds, similar to many others. From birth to eighteen, I had been stuffing chewing gum in all those cracks, rather than really healing myself.

I could talk about feelings and emotions and mental health all day. I go through various periods of genuine self-discovery, complimented by days or weeks of feeling completely lost. Throughout it all, I am learning how to rewire the negative subconscious habits I built up as a kid.

Before hitting my own personal low during quarantine, I never would have had the decency to admit there were parts of myself that needed to grow. I genuinely believed that my outlook on life was fairly solid and that the way I handled mental and emotional stress, along with relationships, was good. Quarantine proved otherwise. After losing a long-term relationship, my chance to go to my dream school, my best friends, and so many other components of my daily life, I felt alone. I came to realize how heavily I relied on outside sources to provide a source of happiness. I remember wailing on my bathroom floor feeling like my heart was being ripped from my chest. I felt like an empty body. My gut wanted me to do whatever I could to cling to my old self because I remembered it being comfortable. I had completely lost my appetite, having to force myself out of bed and attempt to slap on a smile to push through the hole I was in.

Mentally and emotionally, that summer ended up being the hardest couple of months I have ever had. It was as if I was a caterpillar still in its little cocoon being forced to turn into a butterfly when I wasn’t ready yet. My caterpillar self was still scrapped up, feeling safer in my cocoon.

Over the following months, I began to slowly register more and more of my destructive subconscious patterns. I started to learn how important it was to call myself out on it too. I would catch on to the way I never actually healed from anything that happened in the past; I figured out that as I grew up, I held my emotional strength together with chewing gum, rather than using gorilla glue. With all the chewing gum that built up, it was no wonder I had finally hit such a low point and had been forced to face all these issues. I had gone such a long time without giving myself enough effort and without caring about how I was feeling.

With all of these intense feelings and emotions that I didn’t know how to handle, I continued to push through and grow and learn and put myself in scary but worthwhile positions. I cried, I sobbed, and I took long night drives while feeling empty inside. But, I did it. It hurt so bad, but I am so proud of myself for growing from it all.

I started my first year of college, living on campus. I met all sorts of people and tried out a couple of small parties. I got a new job, and it kind of sucked, but I absorbed a lot. I have never been the type to slap a corny solution together and recommend it to someone who’s genuinely struggling. Throughout this past year, I went through some intense trial and error. There truly isn’t one good answer for someone going through hard times. One of the biggest lessons I learned from this past year and a half is how important it is to fall in love with the growing process.

Did you make another mistake? Take it as the universe redirecting you.

Did you just get another rejection or some sort of disappointing news? Your beautiful self is most likely better off somewhere else.

This process evolved my overall mindset tremendously. I grew enough to start asking myself what I wanted and what I needed. I began to truly contemplate whether the people I was surrounded by were good for me. Simply put, I wanted to feel happy, for me this time. I wanted the chance to sit in my room, alone, and love my own company. I am happy to say I finally got there after a year.

“Take care of yourself the way you take care of other people.”

I am unsure where I heard that quote, but it really stuck. I have learned that this whole process is all about balance. I realized I did need to maintain the mentality of pushing through the hard times and not letting myself get too far deep again; but, at the same time, I needed to give myself the grace I deserve and realize I am human. I now understand that I am worthy of the same respect I give my friends and family. Tough moments are inevitable, and that’s okay. A balanced and wholesome mindset, filled with healthy habits, is what truly matters for a person who has built up the courage to bounce back.