Four Ways To Love You

Four Ways to Love You

I have the old texts I sent to my best friend
When I first realized you existed
In the same world
As me
They’re screenshotted
And favorited
So I don’t lose them
So I can look at them and remember the first you I knew

Welllll he’s in my science class
He wears rings (which is kinda weird)
I let him go in front of me
He lent me his spoon to mix hot cocoa
Super soft boi

I have pictures of the sloppy pen sketch 
I scribbled in 
Grand Central 
The day I skipped school 
And missed you
And hoped you missed me
I have pictures of the one that followed that
And the one after
And all of them
Still the first you, who smiled at me 
When you unfolded the piece of 
Notebook paper
I handed you 
Today on jeopardy we have _ _ _ _ _,  _ _ _ _, and that girl whose name no one knows
First question: that one kid that all of our science teacher’s jokes are about
Uh, who is _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _?
I’m afraid the correct answer would have to be
_ _ _  _ _ _ _ _

I have memories of 
Your smile
Your voice
Your eyes
Your hair
Your hoodies
The purple shirt that gave my friend the idea
To call you 
Purple Shirt Kid
The second you
That, during lunch, sat with the sketchy kids
I knew in middle school 
And disappeared with them
When all I wanted
Was to be close to you

Otherwise life=good?
Missing PSK a little

I have the lingering doubt 
That came with the fourth 
And fifth
And the most recent
When I found out where you went during lunch
And I made up excuses to go see you 
The third you
That was friends with those kids
But always on the 
Of the group
The you that looked dead
When I delivered the third cartoon
Without a word

I’ve been trying
To leave Rome
For a few weeks, now
But all their roads
Have this weird design

I have fear, 
That the most recent note I passed you 
[When I wore a red dress
And walked from the library
And you wore a blue sweatshirt
And sat with your new friends]
Scared you, too
And now
You want nothing
To do with me
The fourth you 
[That curses loudly
And sits with your friends, not outside of them]
Who I am almost skeptical of
Who has no traces
Of the first you 
The you I first knew
The you I started to fall for

Either text me
Stop fucking staring at me

I miss meeting your eyes
And blushing 
I miss thinking about you in 
English and Spanish and Math
I miss the night I almost did
What I’d been meaning to do 
[When you wore a pink shirt
And I wore naivety]
I miss when I’d taken a plunge
And just your name 
Made me smile like a child
I miss the first you
I miss the you I liked the most
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