2020, this was supposed to be my year. Finally, for the first time in my life, I had a plan. I saw my future and it looked glorious. What I didn’t expect, which in hindsight was quite naive, was a pandemic that would change not only my entire life but the lives of everyone on this lovely round planet. Back in January, it was a virus far away. Nobody worried or imagined it would invade the Western world, but it came and swept us off our feet. Even though we’ve been living with coronavirus for almost a year by now I have travelled more than I used to (twice to be precise) and made some new experiences. Both of my travels and experiences went like this: going to a new country, start working, leaving the country, going to lockdown/quarantine back at home. It is frustrating, for everybody, but sometimes I do find it hilarious like this is the Truman Show produced by aliens who observe us and take notes about our ridiculous behaviours. If so, they will know everything important by now and invade us soon. Yes, it is a pity. We can see it as a year wasted but I think we needn’t think about it like that. We can always learn something, even if it’s just realising that our actions having a direct impact on the lives of the people around us we wish to ignore. This year I picked up a few things, about other people from different countries and also myself — and how plans stand no chance to pandemics and chaotic governments. Have I really learned from my mistakes? Probably not, but here’s to trying something new, even now.
In February I took a flight to Turin, Italy, to start working as a volunteer for AIESEC. My first week was stressful, to say the least. Not only did I work in Italian elementary and secondary schools but I was also asked to work in a kindergarten on Thursday (I remember that day clearly because it ended with me crying in the car) and my host family too had children. By the end of the week, I’d fallen ill. We were in the mountains of all places. On Saturday the grandmother of the children cooked delicious Italian lunch, afterwards, I lied down to get some rest. I played Mario Kart and suddenly felt sick, really sick. The next day my host mum took care of me. On my first day in Italy, I had already experienced the generous Italian hospitality but my sickness made me realise once more how welcoming and warm Italians are. Nobody has ever cared as much for me as my Italian host mum (except my own mother, of course). She bought all the drugs in the world, cooked plenty of food, and was constantly checking on me.
It happened on Sunday. I woke up to a message from my father. It ran a bit like ‘we don’t want to stress you out but…’ so I quickly dismissed it because I already felt bad enough. But then I saw it on the news; rising cases of coronavirus in North Italy. I finally read the message from my father. They asked me to come back to Germany. At first, I didn’t want to. Germans tend to be overly careful and I try not to fit the stereotype. The first German volunteer had already left the country but everyone else from the programme was still there. I recuperated the following week but the schools were closed. First, because of holidays (carnival), then because of coronavirus. And from then on Italians played the waiting game (while the normal life went on). In the beginning, everyone thought it’d go on for a few weeks, and so I waited too. I had to change host families in the meantime and still had to recuperate because I suffered from a persistent cough. After the third week of waiting and ever-increasing cases, I finally decided to take the next flight home. I did my best and tried not to cough on the plane. The Germans let me in. It was March 9 and nobody wore a face mask back then. I took the train to Bonn and never felt so relieved to go back home.
In March, the numbers started rising in Germany as well and I became pretty anxious that Germany would soon step into Italy’s footprints. I spent most of the time in my small flat (a 17 square meter room) working on my bachelor thesis and writing stories. My most productive phase of the year lasted a few months during the first lockdown, until July. Something else happened as well: I got accepted for the creative writing master programme in Leeds, England. Finally, something that worked out (or so I thought). Soon I could finally be where I’ve always wanted to be, doing what I’ve always wanted to do. But whereas the numbers were already decreasing in Germany, the situation in the UK deteriorated. Compared to Spain and France, England may be on the same catastrophic level, but compared to Germany the handling of the pandemic has been a complete disaster. I started worrying about my plans in Leeds and decided to defer my place to next year. I lived very comfortably with this decision until I realised that it meant I’d have to wait another year and why wait when I could just go right now?! By the end of July, the UK did pretty okay and I decided to become an au pair once again. If you ask me, why did I chose to work with kids again when I had already struggled being surrounded by kids in Italy, I can’t give you a satisfactory answer. I just wanted to go to England as soon as possible. As I had already worked as an au pair before it wasn’t hard to find a new host family. By the end of July, everything was set: I was to leave Germany by the end of August. At the beginning of the month, my brother finally married his longtime girlfriend. Even though certain family members were apprehensive about getting infected (as it’s one of the main events to get covid in Germany) everything seemed rather rosy again — life will go back to normal, that’s what most people thought and hoped for. I moved out of my flat, spent the last week with my parents, and finally moved to the city of my dreams: London.
The plan was to work as an au pair for a year and take the train to Leeds in September 2021. But, alas, once again I underestimated covid. It wasn’t just the virus but the work was also overwhelming. My host family was French and in the first weeks, I could barely talk with the 4-year old boy because he spoke not a single word English. The 7-year old girl not only disliked me but also constantly tried to ‘correct’ my English because clearly, the English word is caleçon, not underpants. When I managed to drop off the children at school (which was also a mess thanks to the new ‘bubble’-system) I had to do several other chores before picking them up again. I rarely had time to write and when I had time I went straight to bed. I wanted to quit after the first days but also didn’t want to give up immediately. Again, I waited. It improved somewhat but there was never a night when I wasn’t exhausted and wished I had another job. I started looking for other jobs and a flat. Whereas in the beginning, I was thinking about what strategy would be best: finding a flat or job first, the question was soon answered with option three: leaving the country. The cases of coronavirus had increased so drastically that I became scared once again. How do I find a job or recruitment now, and will I even keep it if I get one? Before the tier system was announced I already guessed that there will be another lockdown. No, now is not the right time. I had to accept it, even though it was (and still is) breaking my heart. There I was: where I’ve always wanted to be, yet I had to leave England once again. After two months I took the next plane home for the second and last time this year. I already started missing London when I was on the plane and wanted to go back the minute I arrived in Germany. Even now I sometimes find myself looking for jobs in the UK as it’d be so much easier to live in England if I am there before Brexit is finalised; but then I remember covid. Thank you coronavirus, thank you Brexit.
This time I didn’t go to my flat because somebody else is living there now. I had to go straight to my parents and quarantine in my room for a week. It was much harder this time because I couldn’t see anything but my four walls, had to wear a mask when going to the toilet, and carry that pain and frustration in my heart. It feels surreal when you come back after thinking you’d only come back for visits. I said goodbye to my life in Germany not a long time ago, now I am back for how long it will take to get this virus under control. What will happen post-covid; nobody knows. I hope I can go back to England. Words cannot describe how frustrating it is to finally fulfil your dream and then having to give it up again. But I know, I am one of the lucky ones. Many people have already lost their jobs or will lose their jobs soon; or, let’s not forget, actually died because of covid. The pandemic is a disaster in all areas: physical health, mental health, economy, our daily lives. Everything changes and we still don’t have all the answers. For how long must we live with the virus and lockdowns? When will our normal life return and we can live freely again?
Yesterday I finally went to the hairdresser again. I hadn’t cut my hair for over three months and my hair was turning into a bird’s nest. The atmosphere has changed since our new ‘semi-lockdown’ in Germany. Shops are still open and you can buy food but have to eat outside. There’s something in the air; and it isn’t love. A weight or burden that is on our shoulders. The virus has changed us. The hope and expectations we had in summer burst into a thousand bubbles. But it’s not game over yet. We have to hold onto our dreams and plans and remember that this is temporary. We can see it as a warning: this may only be the beginning of a new way of life. Now is not the time to feel defeated. We can overcome covid and we can overcome every other crisis — but only if we work together.
Some may call me reckless or even irresponsible for traveling during the pandemic. I won’t travel anymore. I didn’t have covid but I won’t underestimate the pandemic again, hopefully. I just wanted to do something I should’ve done much sooner. But now it’s too late and I have to wait once again. We all have to wait. 2020 is the year of covid and waiting games. This year was supposed to be the best year to come; many people felt that way. Expectations rarely meet reality and this time reality has hit us hard. But we won’t be defeated unless we lose hope — and there’s always hope.
