I cannot remember without chastising my past self,
without damning her for not seeing it sooner
how do I recall the sweetness
without tasting the arsenic that laid beneath?
there are things we don’t talk about
the urge we both get this time of the year to call
we never do but the thought keeps us up at night
the taste of forever still lingering our throats
we swallow our new lovers hearts hoping they can make us feel whole again
how foreign my name sounds on your tongue
how guilt has coated my tongue since the last time it was down your throat
the mold growing inside our ribs from youthful carelessness we refuse to clean up
loneliness felt in a crowd full of faces
the fact that one one will ever understand me the way you did
your anger when she tells you she loves you and all you think about is
when I couldn’t say it
ghosts will never scare us because we will spend a lifetime haunting ourselves
my ability to forgive but not forget
how long life really is
that we loved each other
that we never stopped loving each other
death isn’t just about dying
all we ever wanted was to hold onto one another
but all we ever did was hurt one another instead
no amount of gilded reflection can soften the ache of the endings
I need this grief
to release its grip on in my heart
