You were short,
The shortest boy i’d dated.
But your adult-like charm stole my heart.
We lived near one another,
We had friends in common.
So, when you’re 14 that seems like a good start.
-
Time has passed,
So I’m not sure
How long we’d been together until it all lead to that day.
A few months
That seems about right.
Remembering the times we went over to your house to play.
-
14 was young,
But where we’re from,
it was pretty normal to drink.
Those younger years
Where you would inhale almost anything
Until your cheeks or puke would turn pink.
-
I don’t remember much,
Except the late night discussions
Of who would sleep in which bed.
You wanted me
To come into yours.
I was scared but from the drinks my brain was dead.
-
So I did.
My first wake up call from a boy.
Yet not an alarm I’d set, nor one i’d hoped for.
I closed my eyes.
I told you no. What are you doing. Stop.
But you didn’t. Grunting like a wild boar.
-
My first.
My first of many disappointments.
My first of many times where it was simply easier to take it.
My first of many times feeling like that’s all i have.
My first of many times wondering how the fuck he can be having fun.
My first of many times closing my eyes and waiting for it to stop.
-
My first.
And from today on. My last.
Julia Bell
31.10.2019
