You were short,

The shortest boy i’d dated.

But your adult-like charm stole my heart.

We lived near one another,

We had friends in common.

So, when you’re 14 that seems like a good start.

-

Time has passed,

So I’m not sure

How long we’d been together until it all lead to that day.

A few months

That seems about right. 

Remembering the times we went over to your house to play.

-

14 was young,

But where we’re from, 

it was pretty normal to drink.

Those younger years

Where you would inhale almost anything

Until your cheeks or puke would turn pink.

-

I don’t remember much,

Except the late night discussions

Of who would sleep in which bed.

You wanted me

To come into yours.

I was scared but from the drinks my brain was dead.

-

So I did.

My first wake up call from a boy.

Yet not an alarm I’d set, nor one i’d hoped for.

I closed my eyes.

I told you no. What are you doing. Stop.

But you didn’t. Grunting like a wild boar.

-

My  first.

My first of many disappointments.

My first of many times where it was simply easier to take it.

My first of many times feeling like that’s all i have.

My first of many times wondering how the fuck he can be having fun.

My first of many times closing my eyes and waiting for it to stop.

-

My first.

And from today on. My last.

Julia Bell

31.10.2019